Next week is gonna be one crazy week. 4 papers in 5 days. Don't think I ever had such insane scheduling bef. Jason was saying that we've a 1-hr class on tue next semester.

A single, 1 hr tutorial.

Wonder how they plan the timetables. ><

Had a positive call from my old workplace saying that they've a job vacancy for the month of december. I don't mind slogging away for that month just to see more moo-lahs in my account. (:

Now I just gotta make time for the boy and my exercise regime. (:

Photo taken during my bdae, which he said he'll make up for it. =D

How have you changed over the years?

(Long post ahead.)

A while back, I was having this conversation on Singapore's education system. While I admit that the perpetual workload kills creativity and drives us to be on a constant vigilance for extra work load, I was arguing FOR the better-good of it. Why?

Because without this system, I might never have been who I am right now.

When I was young, I craved for love and acceptance. Those two are the biggest things that I craved for, ever; more than toys, clothes or anything else in the world. At 5 (i think it was 5), I thought no one loved me and no one cared, so i wrote a "goodbye" note, stuffed it into a drawer and proceeded to chew paper, not knowing it's not all that toxic.

That need to be loved and accepted lessened over the years of having to find myself in situations that demanded the most out of my independence; during the most trying moments and the moments that life had left me hanging, not knowing what to do, and where to go.

So where does the system come into play?

Those who had known me back in secondary school will know how irresponsible a person I had been. I'd sleep in lessons, and put projects off to the last minute. It changed a bit during upper secondary, but I was still that lazy poof.

Poly, with its stress-level due to projects and deadlines sparked off my thirst for that adrenaline rush; the need to do things right. But, poly was really peanuts compared to university.

In Australia, I saw and realized how easy the locals had it there, especially so when I myself is in NTU right now. I know of locals who were complaining about 3 modules, spread out time tables, when we had 6,with electives to clear. I saw how the locals thrived there due to the perpetual workload they had back here.

That to me, is going through the hardships locally to be able to enjoy whatever easier fruits there are in the future, but never forgetting the skills that allowed one to survive through the harder times.

In university, amidst all the workload, deadlines and projects; on top of which family and financial problems, gave me this acute sense of loneliness that I couldn't seem to drive off, no matter what.

The need to be loved and accepted lessened by a lot. I questioned, who do you trust? Who is true to you? The years of trying moments had dampened that immensive childhood need and capability to trust, love, hope and dream for anything other than myself.

Because, I know control myself. I can control how far I want to go in life; what I want to do and what I want to get out of life. I saw how the amount of effort people give to nurturing friendships, relationships and ties was inversely proportionate to the amount they get back. Most of the times, even the basal level limit was not reciprocated. At least with work, the nights of sleep sacrificed, the effort put in to perfect a report, to understand a concept gives me immediate joy.

University and its work load honed my skills to survive under immense stress, to seek to thrive despite the moments I wanted to break down.

It made me have a better view and clearer understanding of my work ethics and the kind of people I work best with. It made me realize that I need to be able to work with people with the same or similar wavelengths. I need initiation. I prefer working with guys (usually) due to their ability to be focused, to be initiative and to get things done without being side tracked. I admire their ability to be analytical in ways that I might never be; to go beyond a certain scope that I can only seek to thrive towards.

And which is why I work really well with Sham and Guna. Thank goodness.

I just wanted to rant, because that single conversation and a comment downstream of it sparked off this whole thinking process in my mind about life, love, trust, hope, dreams... and how at the end of the day, I cannot seem to trust anything at all except myself.

At the end of the day, it just seems to be God and me.

I admit I've changed from someone who had so much to give emotionally to someone who is still able to, but questions the validity of it. But yet, I've changed to someone with absurd work ethics to someone whom I can be proud of after looking performance levels. That isn't that bad a change, isn't it?

Afterall, one needs work to survive, to eat, to live and... to do whatever.

But yet, there'll still be moments when that childhood girl in me sneaks out. Still wanting to be loved. To be accepted. To be needed. And then I let her flourish for a moment or two. Ironically, each time something happens to threaten to crush her, I thank God for reminding me to focus on who I am right now, not the past. It's just so conflicting.

How have you changed?

Exams are here once more! And once again, the shopping gene in me has been activated. But, this time is a tad different. Tried my hand at trading clothes and recently, I seem to be on the roll! WHEEE! Got the lovelies below. (:

thought i'll try out something different. so i got this in exchange! (:

had the one in pewter

can't say no to a bandage tube, can i? And it does have a lovely fit!

i love florals. Was kinda surprised to get this for a trade since it's rather new. Was trying out for fun and was amazingly surprised that i got it! YEY to floral! And it isn't that bright in reality.

i already have this in white. LOVE LOVE LOVE the cut!! and the material is totally different from most places! black is superb.

for normal days with shorts when i've the "period" haha

All the trading and the joy of getting parcels pretty much eradicated my shopping need. THANK GOODNESS!

Can't wait for the papers to be over to go out. I can still remember that blissful taste of freedom after the last paper last semester. It should be even sweeter after this insane semester of tuitions, reports and lectures. (:

A few days back, at the back of the double-decked 179 bus was this group of ah-bengs, prolly in their teens, picking on this indian guy. They thought they were bigger-than-life, totally invincible and could do nothing wrong. A part of me hope that they end up in detention barracks to learn about life.

About 2 days after that, another incident that irked me happened right in SBS resource room. There was this bunch of year 1 students. One of them commented that she's a christian even though her parents weren't and I was thankful that she found Him. Then, her friend replied that she'll never step into a church again, especially after going into a newly founded church, New Creation. I could relate to that initially especially since City Harvest's systems didn't agree with what I feel about a church - conventional and just God-worshipping. But, it wasn't because of her disagreement towards the system. She started making fun of the doctrines - wine/ribena will usually substituted as the blood of Jesus; bread is broken to signify the last supper Jesus had with his disciples.

I don't think it's in anyone's right to criticize not just Christianity, but any other religion. I was brought up to respect all forms of religions whether I agree with it or not. Needless to say, I was rather upset that her friend (the christian) did not bother correcting her but just laughed.

It just adds on to the list of mental notes of how I want my children to be raised up.

Rather glad to say that tuitions have been more or less over except for one last lesson. Finally, I'm able to catch up on my quiet-times, church and school. It's one of the most amazing feelings to be able to just study after classes and not think of having to rush about.

I'm praying for a sign, any signs, for an exchange program. Ultimately, it's still all in His hands.

I'm no longer in love with shopping! But rather, trading. (:

So far, I've managed to trade of 2 items that I've never worn before. Kekekeke. One of them that I traded and got is this:
I know i've my glasses on. I had just finished tuition for 2 kids that day, opened the letter box and saw the parcel! Immediately went home to try it on and was amazed at the fit. Plus, I think it's really cute and I never had anything like this before! (:

Had another offer for this dress:

And, I really wanted to trade it off since I hardly wear it, plus it's sorta loose around the waist and hips for me. BUT this is the dress that I wore out in Phuket to hit the pubs during one of the nights, and boy, that night was one amazing night with enough memories to last for a long time. So yeah, it has tons of sentimental value. Decided not to trade it after all. I know i'll miss it if I do.

Tuitions are gonna be over real soon. The true hectic ones will be over after this week and just a bit more to go.

I want/need/yearn for the holidays.

It's been a while since blogger allowed me to use the picture upload function. So, here are a few!

School is finally out for a week; seems like it took the longest time ever.

Got my free printer from the laptop that I got & the boy & i had this really long, hearty talk over the "issues" within our relationship. I can be such a damn crybaby. But really glad that as things move along our relationship, we're ironing things out slowly and coming to know each other. And, it was such an irony since Di was asking me about it just a few days back.

So, he surprised me with this.
Then, the long-awaited 25th September finally arrived - the Friday, which will be the start of our term break. Had a stay over and we feasted like mad.

Friday's meals consisted of: 3 pcs KFC meal, instant noodles, hazel nut chocolate cake, bagal, turkey breast subway footlong sandwich and Lay's cheese potato chips.

Watched Inglorious Bastards - The Cathay couple seats are so much better than Plaza's! But, do book in advance as they tend to be out rather fast.

And, this was Sat's breakfast. He was still soundly sleeping due to the effects of school, previous late night (we slept only at 4am!) and cointreau mixes. Went out to get breakfast to surprise him. (:

Starbucks: Apple crumble pie, strawberry yogurt. Fishsoup: with milk & spicy. Grapes. Chocolate milk.

We then finished the day off with Yoshinoya's beef bowl. Feels amazing to stuff our faces and stomachs like this!

I love pillow talks, especially before sleeping and we had a bit of that. After struggling abit within me, I found the strength to be as supportive as I can towards his schedule. Really glad to have come to terms with it. (: and then, i said, happy anniversary which gave him quite a shock because, 1) that wasn't the real day 2) we don't really do monthsaries. Nevertheless, I do enjoy giving the surprises.

Back to the books! Can't wait for december - all my dreams have been about school, school and more school!

Blogger finally seems to be back to normal! (Thank goodness!)

Gonna have term break in a week's time and Monday is a public holiday, meaning there is no NEUROBIO! 2 weeks after the term break, is yet another school holiday on a monday which indicates the lack of NEURO!

That module is just sucking not just me, but everyone else in the cohort dry. Interesting, nonetheless.

School's workload and the tuitions adding up to the minimal hours of sleep have finally been getting to me. Really couldn't emphasize enough how much I'm looking forward to 25th's day & night out with him and waking up late on 26th. Only that is giving me enough motivation to get through this last stretch of lectures and tuitions.

Finally had a catch-up session with Di at the pool back on Wednesday while tanning (neuro just don't do the trick when it comes being compared with catching up).

Which led to a talk with the boy yesterday. I love heart talks since we only have them once in a while. But i'm glad that when it happens, it trashes things out and allows me to see things clearer.

Plus, i get pampered. (: Always have this impression that he doesn't really notices things in me. So, i was rather taken aback when he squeezed my hand halfway through the talk as he sees me biting down hard onto my lower lip; and later on, mentioned about how i set up my boundaries so much. he does notice.

and so, among all the things we talked about, he said,

you've to try believe in us.

i'm right there beside you hanging on that same rope.

His optimism, no matter how much, does help since mine hadn't been present since we got together.

Misery sure loves company. I don't feel as bad right now.